The Race

“I need to be better.”

Since middle school I’ve been telling myself the same phrase. I set dreams and goals for myself like breaking the school record or reaching a personal record. But recently, I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been doing much. Its not like I’m lazy, I constantly look for new ways to get better and doing extra workouts. But I’ve felt like I haven’t been going anywhere. I still didn’t break the school record in the 100m or 200m, I still didn’t break 12 seconds in the 100m, I’m still not the fastest.

But something started to shift in my mind at the are track meet. I was lined up against the fastest girls in my area and with one goal held in mind.

Win.

The starter called out, “Runners on your marks!” I repeated the same cues in my mind, being get a good start and PUMP! The starter yelled set, GO! I took off. It was the best start I’ve ever had yet, I saw no one near me. Until my transition phase. Suddenly two girls had passed me up as we all entered top speed. I felt defeated before the race lost. I came in second place with a new big PR of 12.20, .2 seconds off my previous personal record. But instead of celebrating the fact that I qualified for Regionals and set a new personal record, I cried. I didn’t execute the way I wanted to or reach the standard I’ve set in mind. I lost. But later, a good friend of mine reminded me of the things I’ve accomplished so far: A new PR and a ticket to regionals. The fact that I even came in second place in my area is a huge jump from last year after not even qualifying for area in a personal event. But instead of being joyful of my goals, I compared myself and didn’t allow myself to celebrate this huge blessing of a milestone.

That’s it. The reason why I felt stuck even though I’ve been progressing more than I think is because I’ve been comparing myself. Instead of focusing on my own race and executing the way I need too, I’ve been too worried about ‘going on around me. Instead of thinking about specific cues in practice like, “don’t drop your knees when you’re tired” or, “hammer your elbows back, not out“, I focused on trying not to look slow and wondering why I’m not doing what I need.

I watched a TikTok posted by Mia Maxwell, the fastest female highschooler right now with a PR of 11.04 as a junior and she spoke about the same thongs. To focus on our own race and executing each phase carefully, from the efficient drive to the relaxed top speed instead of worrying about everything that’s going on around you. Hearing her made me realize how unfocused I’ve been. It sounds like a crazy statement giving how much time and sacrifices I’ve put into training. But its true, I haven’t been focusing on my own journey.

After watching this video by Yaseen, it showed me that I’m dreaming about the wrong things. My whole track career I’ve been hyper focused on the results, the medals, the times, the clout, everything but the actual progress itself. This tinted mindset hindered me the whole time from achieving, well, I’m actually not sure. Now that I know focusing on winning all the time wont bring the contentment and happiness I seek, I don’t know my why anymore. I still enjoy track and trying to become better but without a why, I cant be content or happy. Can’t be joyful. So, something has to change.

“I’m running to bring glory to God.” I tried that before, but I never truly believed and followed that statement in my heart. Its still what I need to do, but I need to grow into that statement.

“I want to see how far I can go”

I’m still running track because I want to see how good I can be. If I can beat my inner doubts and see how far crazy faith and belief can truly take a person. I wanna see and experience the power of God in a seemingly small yet big part of some peoples lives. I want to witness him turn my discontentment and doubt into contentment, joy and ultimately victory. This is a progress goal. Instead of focusing on a singular thing like breaking 12, I wanna focus on the little things during the journey like, praying before and during workouts, and giving my fear before races up to God. Though I still cant see the future, like whether I want to go D1 or D2, whether I want to go pro or not.

God, please help me. Help me focus on executing and allowing my journey to glorify you. I feel irritated and angry that I’m not among the best but I see now that you are teaching me and will use this season as a testimony of your love, glory and power. Shape me in such a way where I don’t recognize the athlete I am today.
God, I love you. Thank you for making this story and allowing me to hold and tell it. May your name be glorified.